Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
